A Scene: "Sparring Match"

SPARRING MATCH
Marvin Jablonsky

Lights up on a crowded Denny’s. 4 a.m. It’s bright yellow and beams with fluorescent lights. THOMASINA, 25, and ALYSTER, 25, enter.

THOMASINA
OH god.
ALYSTER
What?
THOMASINA
Denny’s?
ALYSTER
Yeah.
THOMASINA
It’s a children’s place?
ALYSTER
No. It’s a restaurant.
THOMASINA
Never heard of it.
ALYSTER
It’s a Midwestern thing.
THOMASINA
People smoke indoors.
ALYSTER
It’s a Midwestern thing.
THOMASINA
What do they serve here?
ALYSTER
Oh, burgers, fries, hot wings, mozzarella sticks, popcorn shrimp. You know, bar food.
THOMASINA
Emphasis on barf.
ALYSTER
We could go to the Motel 6. They have a Perkins.
THOMASINA
God, I hope you’re kidding.
ALYSTER
What?
THOMASINA
A Motel 6? Motel 6’s are gym lockers with mattresses. We’re not going to a Motel 6
ALYSTER
Stop!
They poach a booth. They sit.

THOMASINA
I have to pee like the Rain Man.
ALYSTER
Wait, what?
THOMASINA
Oh my god, don’t tell me you haven’t seen the Rain Man!?
ALYSTER
No. Yeah.
THOMASINA
You know, I have to pee (a la Dustin Hoffman) “bad, bad, very bad.”
ALYSTER
(eye-roll) God, you’re ate up!

Thomasina stands just as the WAITRESS, 60, enters.

WAITRESS
Hi folks. Whatcha having?
THOMASINA
We’re not sure yet. Where’s your restroom?
WAITRESS
Outta’ order.
THOMASINA
You’re kidding.
WAITRESS
(with routine amusement) Sorry to putcha up against a wall, honey. It’s been outta order since last May. Manager, real wet behind the ears kinda folk, took every wooden nickel when it come to fixin’ the toilet, you know how it is, up and went to Sams bought him a real big ole John and set it plop down on the foundation, no bells or whistles. Yep, yep. Welp, that went over like a lead balloon, knowing we got nice hair-dos like yerself up and throw their old tammies down the pipes and day after day, got every Tom, Dick, and Harry repairman up in here fixin’ that damn ole John, and well, we haven’t had a red-letter day since. (she laughs nudgingly) So what’re we havin?
ALYSTER
We need a few minutes, if that’s okay? (squinting) Connie?
WAITRESS
It don’t make me no nevermind, sugar.

She exits.

THOMASINA
What the fuck did she just say?
ALYSTERIt’s Southern chivalrousness.
THOMASINA
Ugh! ALYSTER
(laughing) What!
THOMASINA
What you just said!
ALYSTER
What? Chivalrousness
THOMASINA
Ugh! I can’t believe that’s a word!
ALYSTER
What’s wrong with chivalrousness?
THOMASINA
Chivalrousness. What a gross word. Chivalrousness. That’s a fucking word? Are you diametrically opposed to the word chivalry, the more universal noun form of chivalrous?
ALSYTER
No? I was just brought up saying chivalrousness.
THOMASINA
I just hate words that end in –ness. I swear to God, suffixes are the rise and fall of our language. Don’t ask me why. I’m just saying, when you add a suffix to something, it attempts to amplify the meaning of the word.
ALYSTER
That’s just language. I think chivalrousness and chivalry are just style choices.
THOMASINA
Chivalry is English. Chivalrousness is dumbass who thinks they scored a 25-cent word without even knowing it. Talk about the sine qua non of American tradition – adding things to make them appear better than they really are. Like British accents.
ALYSTER
Arrogant McGee, Table for 1.
THOMASINA
(nonplus) Cute. (then) It’s Southern giddiness, is what that whole spiel was.
ALYSTER
Oh, hey, this is my home. I lived 18 years of my life here.
THOMASINA
Well I admire that you begun learning English at 18 when you moved to New York. Some people couldn’t do what you did.
ALYSTER
You’re ridiculous
THOMASINA
Seriously, no other language on this fucking planet speaks with such, I dunno, a slew of idioms, or I dunno, you know, idiomatic expressions that, that really don’t mean anything when given in context.
ALYSTER
You don’t know that.
THOMASINA
What? Do you think the Chinese have a symbol for “It don’t make me no nevermind.” Pft. Please. Give me a fucking break. The South coined idiocy without even realizing it. There’s an example of form embodying the content.
ALYSTER
(cautiously) Thom, seriously, stop.
Thomasina bobs her head irritated and defaults to perusing the menu.

THOMASINA
Cured Ham? Ha! That’s ironic. How can you cure something that’s already dead?
ALYSTER
It’s a process—
THOMASINA
Talk about a false pretense, giving one last beacon of hope for a pig in the afterlife.
ALYSTER
I know.
THOMASINA
(noticing) Speaking of which, God, look, look, look, look!
ALYSTER
What?!
THOMASINA
Evangelists.
ALYSTER
Yeah, they’re everywhere.
THOMASINAWhat are they selling?
ALYSTER
I think (examining) Oh, yeah, I remember. (eyebrow raise) Jesus water?
THOMASINA
What?!
ALYSTER
It’s supposedly blessed by Jesus.
THOMASINA
(childlike amusement) And people actually believe that!
ALYSTER
It’s no different than communion.
THOMASINA
It’s all fucked up. But Jesus water takes the cake.
ALYSTER
Yeah.
THOMASINA
Once they turn that water into wine, then we’ll talk.
ALYSTER
You should tell them that.
THOMASINA
Wanna!
ALYSTER
(defendant) No! Don’t!

A bored silence.

THOMASINA
(surveying) How does someone decide they want to work at a Denny’s?
ALYSTER
How do you mean?
THOMASINA
You wonder. How does someone just wind up working at a Denny’s off I-71? Like how did they happen upon this job? Like, I dunno, do you know those Hudson News stands at airports? How does someone decide they want to work there? It’s not like those kind of people are flying on a regular basis to happen upon a ‘Help Wanted’ sign.
ALYSTER
Who knows? It probably gives them some fulfillment.
THOMASINA
You think?
ALYSTER
Yeah, totally. I imagine working at a Denny’s off a busy highway or a newsstand in an airport give these people some sense of pace and movement, knowing that other people have places to be and all.
THOMASINA
(nodding her head) Huh.
ALYSTER
Like moving to New York or something.
THOMASINA
I think I’m going to get pancakes. Is that weird?
ALYSTER
Did you just hear what I just said?
THOMASINA
No. ([feign] concern) Oh my god, sorry, was it important.
She reaches out and touches his wrist.
ALYSTER
No. Don’t worry about it.
THOMASINA
Okay cool.
ALYSTER
Yeah, pancakes sound find.

BLACKOUT